Rabbi's Reveries

“Be nice!” I tell Yuval on a regular basis. Currently, one of his favorite things to do is to shout at our cats or jump towards them. He’s also in a phase where he likes being startled, so when I tell him that he’s scaring the cats, he doesn’t understand why they wouldn’t think it’s fun too. As a three-year-old, he has not developed the sense of empathy that would allow him to recognize that others don’t necessarily feel the way he does. It takes time for kids to develop that awareness of others and to recognize that not everyone feels the same way about everything. Eventually Yuval will learn.

Even those of us with more life experience and better developed empathic skills forget at times that we don’t all have the same feelings, thoughts, and beliefs. It can be especially difficult to remember that when we’re close to someone and share other things in common. I still, for example, need to remind my dad that I don’t—and have never—liked zucchini, so please don’t serve it when I’m in town, even though it has regularly appeared at my family’s dinner table. Sometimes, like my dad in this scenario, we just forget that other people are different. Other times, though, our own experiences get in the way of acknowledging those of another, preventing us from showing empathy or even basic kindness.

There’s a Talmudic story about a wealthy man who plans to host a party for the elite of the region. One of the invitees is a dear friend named Kamtza. But a little confusion ensues on the part of the servant delivering the invitations and, instead, the host’s enemy Bar Kamtza gets invited. Bar Kamtza is surprised to be invited to this man’s party but hopes that this is a gesture of goodwill.

The night of the party, Bar Kamtza shows up fashionably late, after most of the other guests have arrived. The host sees him enter and is furious—how dare his enemy show up to a joyful party of elites! —and tries to kick Bar Kamtza out. Bar Kamtza tries to find a way to stay and help the host save face. First he offers to pay for the food he will eat, then to pay for half the party, then the entire party. The host refuses to accept any of this kindness and, with the silent support of the rest of the partygoers, throws Bar Kamtza out.

This episode in Jewish history and community is understood by the rabbis to have been the catalyst for the Roman destruction of Jerusalem and the Holy Temple. As the story continues, Bar Kamtza, infuriated by his treatment by the host and the community of elites, sets up a scheme to make the Jewish community reject an offering made by Roman authorities. The Roman authorities respond to this insult by destroying Jewish life. According to Jewish tradition, all of these events took place during the three-week period from the 17^th of Tammuz to the 9^th of Av, which fall during July this year. All of this destruction because of the widespread lack of empathy.

Our TBE community, like the world around us, is filled with people who don’t all think, act, or feel the same way. In fact, that diversity brings blessing to our communities because it keeps us from getting stuck in our ways or blindly barreling down a path of destruction. That diversity is also challenging because we might find ourselves feeling strongly that one or another opinion is right to the exclusion of all others, or that someone’s beliefs make them unworthy of respect or even basic kindness.

As we enter this period of historical destruction caused by blatant disrespect and meanness (and which starts the lead-in to the High Holy Day season), I hope that we take time to grow our capacity for empathy, to show true kindness to those around us, and to uphold the dignity and divinity of each person we encounter.